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CV Blunders

by Brendan Wallace on June 28th, 2016

THESE WERE TAKEN FROM REAL CVS AND COVER LETTERS:

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

Let’s meet , so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.  No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

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